oof

So I'm a bit overwhelmed. Just wrote a bunch before realizing that most of it is sensitive and critical and I'd prefer not to have certain colleagues come across it. Instead, I'll just say that today I had a lot of meetings, that some were frustrating, and that I'm being brought face to face with my own lack of experience, knowledge and capacity. I'm still trying to figure out what the heck these trips are for, other than to expose me to the projects and partner agencies. What is my value added? I don't know. I'm 24 years old, a generalist (a kind way of saying I don't know anything special), completely flying by the seat of my pants and whatever knowledge I've gathered ad hoc over the past 18 months. Sure as hell didn't learn anything useful at CHF.

I can help realign the budget and work plan, I can be an outlet and sounding board for Tameeza, who's extremely stressed out and frustrated, I'm pretty sure I can get the project a no-cost extension (there's a big one), I can take what I learn here and plug it back into the network from a different angle. Maybe I can help with some of the political stuff they're facing here by going straight to the top back home. Maybe I can help get Focus more funding when this project runs out. But my technical knowledge is useless and my management knowledge is equally useless.

Learning as I go, so this is all useful to me, but I just feel kind of inadequate to my task. Which is what again? Trying to decide how frank to be with certain people about this when I get home.

If you can believe it, I actually feel a bit better now than I did around lunch, after back to back meetings where I felt out of my depth and/or tensions were high. Rough day.

Last night, however, was lovely. I met a couple of guys at dinner at the guest house, Hanif and Iforgettheotherguy. The latter was, um, taciturn. Hanif was the opposite, a gregarious Iranian-American guy who's been with AKF Afghanistan in Baghlan for all of two months. I didn't eat too much at the guest house because Tameeza, Salim (and eventually Hanif, who's apparently good friends with Tameeza) went out to a Lebanese place for a late dinner. It was delicious. The place was nearly empty except for a couple of possibly British, possibly American ladies sitting at a table nearby. We sat on a semi-patio and ate a bunch of kebab, falafel, hummus, soup and grilled veggies, smoked a hookah and drank Tuborg from coffee mugs. Hanif and Tameeza are funny and were needling each other the whole meal. All in all a pretty great evening. It was nice just to be social with people.

This morning I woke up at 6:15 so I had a chance to work out before getting the day started. Nothing hard but it got the blood flowing and then I stretched for half an hour or so. That always feels good. So not everything's been bad so far. Just having a wee Afghanistan-specific existential crisis. You're worthless without experience, and you can't get experience unless someone gives you the chance to jump in with both feet. But it would be nice for that jump to come with a life jacket in the form of a little more guidance or training. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

Tomorrow I've got a meeting over at AKF so I'll see some of the same people from last year. Looking forward to that. Otherwise just more meetings here, maybe another meeting with UNDP in the late afternoon, and more general prep for the trip out to Baghlan. I still need to get some shampoo. Oh, and I didn't leave my iPod behind! Great news! But that does mean I have to return the pair of headphones I bought in the DXB duty-free.

Okay, gotta finish writing an update to the boss and then gonna roll on out of here. Will get connected at the guest house tomorrow morning (sometime between 8 and 9). Can't believe it's taken this long, but, to adapt a phrase, TIA - this is Afghanistan. (The A is usually for Africa.)

Bah.