the upstairs wife

Farida Zakaria's memoir-by-proxy of her aunt's experience of being relegated to the role of second wife a few years into her marriage, and of major events in Pakistan's history from the perspective of its women. The structure of the book doesn't quite work, switching back and forth between vignettes from her family and narration of events that were happening around them at about the same time. But I liked the book all the same. Zakaria's a good writer and it was an education for me to read what plural marriage can look like in the context of middle-class (eventually wealthy) Muslim Indians-cum-Pakistanis. That's a world I'm aware of, that's around me all the time -- all of my Pakistani colleagues and friends are educated and middle-to-upper class -- but one that I'm still very much outside of.

And I always appreciate a narrative that's told so conscientiously, deliberately from women's point of view. Even when Zakaria is talking about something men are doing, she talks about women.

Now I've got to find another light book to keep me company while I work my way through Debt: the First 5000 Years. Which, interestingly enough, has just got around to describing the dawn of Judeo-Christian patriarchy.

pilgrim

Mom put together a list of the places Jack stayed more than ten days after the end of eighth grade. By my count he moved 56 times in the 12.5 years between then and his death, or an average of once every three months and 22 days. 

therapy

Just had my first session with a therapist, via Skype. After emailing a bunch of people in MD, this guy was one of a few who got back to me and the first I could make an appointment with. I liked him, will speak to him again next week and stop casting the net for the time being. I feel good for having done it at all, now let's see how the relationship develops. 

monal

There's a huge restaurant in the Margallas overlooking Islamabad, called Monal. They have pretty good barbecue and other stuff but it's not great and it's a pain to get to: half an hour up a very steep, winding road and nearly as long to descend because you have to be careful. So I basically only go there for work dinners, when we're hosting a big group. Last night was one such night. But unlike my previous trips up there, this one came a day after very heavy rain. Heavy rain leads to clear air.

Islamabad was sparkling. Monal looks down on a huge swath of the city, from Rawal Lake in the east to the motorway in the west. Ordinarily the view fades into dusty haze around the Serena, 10-12 km away. But last night we could see all the way to the Attock oil refinery on the other side of Rawalpindi, a tiny orange flame burning 40 km away on the horizon. We could see the seven massive lights along the runway of Bhutto airport and watch planes taking off and landing. Nice evening. 

good weekend

SRB and I were very busy this weekend.

1. Hosted friends for the first time on Friday evening
2. Bought a bunch of plants -- cane palms, table palms, bougainvillea, monsteria, a money plant, and some tiny succulents -- and arranged them on the patio and inside. The two tall palms are still at the top of the stairs because they are heavy and there's no way we can get them down here ourselves. Need a wheelbarrow. And SRB is fit but she's 5'6" and a woman: Need another man
3. Talked to M&D&Linc (mainly me, but her a little at the end), including first substantial convo about Jack's memorial. It was good to start that dialogue
4. Didn't go to a big party last night because we were drinking wine and having a nice time and at some point looked at each other and just said, nah
5. Started to hang pictures
6. Ran twice
7. Bought a bunch of other house necessities, including various buckets and bins for us to start composting
8. Finished Democracy, Sustainable Development, and Peace: New Perspectives on South Asia, which was meh except for 2-3 essays toward the back, and really only one of those actually taught me something new. Standard liberal stuff I deal with all day in my professional life. Did serve as a reminder that I know a lot about my profession, which I suppose is worth something
9. Finally saw Black Panther, which ruled

Monday off to a productive start as well. One of my team members did a good job on a new task that I coached her through and that's gratifying. Our final living room chair was delivered, so the house is continuing to feel more and more like a place where people live. I emailed five or six therapists in MD who say they do tele-therapy. SRB is nearly done with her big consultancy, just waiting for one or two final inputs. 

things will be better tomorrow

Wrote out a long-ish entry on an unpleasant interaction I had with SRB this morning, self-flagellating but also trying to figure out why I acted the way I did and why she acted the way she did. It's too personal to share in full. We'll be okay, it seems that these kinds of fights are just going to happen for us from time to time because we approach the world and each other differently. The last one I remember was last fall, maybe early October. I'll try to do better next time.

On another, somewhat related note, I heard back from the tele-therapy practice recommended by an acquaintance here. They recommended one of their therapists, who wrote to me to schedule an appointment. She's in Illinois, so the times she suggested were not practical for me. When I told her that I was in Pakistan, she said that her license only permits her to treat patients in Illinois. Ah, so. I asked if she knew of anyone else in the practice who was more flexible or whether she knew of other online resources I could try. Let's see.