Back in Dushanbe, just got up from a non-nap (eyes closed, no sleep) of about an hour. I'm groggy but not sleepy, which isn't surprising because my body thinks it's the morning and a good time to be awake but also hasn't slept more than two hours at a stretch since Wednesday. Pleasant business breakfast this morning with DJ and AV and one of DJ's employees, who was mostly quiet during the meal. Many topics to discuss and some progress made on a couple of things, at least in terms of knowing what we each need to do on them. AV and I caught up a bit more after breakfast and then he left to do work and I came upstairs to clear my inbox and rest.
Now it's about 5:15 PM and I'm going to head to the gym to get a sweat up, take up some time, and wake myself up for dinner at 7. Would prefer to stay in tonight but DJ was insistent and it's rude to turn down such friendly hospitality. Hoping to at least be back at the hotel by 9.
Later:
Over the past couple of weeks I have missed C desperately, felt more strongly the heartache (such a physically apt word) and longing and regret and worry that I've felt since the day after Memorial Day. The intensity of that feeling is strange to me: I am not used to being unguarded, to feeling my emotional defenses being stretched thin enough to see through. But here I am, feeling just that. And also feeling that losing her is a terrible blow, an even more painful one now than when it surprised me (my willful blindness, not her sneak attack) in May.
She and I talked just now and I unloaded all that on her: the heartache; my regret at holding back from her, which I always did a little bit; my immaturity as represented in my inability to bring up concerns about our relationship with her, waiting instead for her to be the adult and bring them up herself; my desire to be intimate with her in a way that I couldn't or just plain didn't before. She was taken aback, I think, and did not know how to respond. I'm not sure what I expected, or whether I really expected anything. She said the same things she said in May, which makes sense as she is thoughtful and resolute. The difference now is that rather than being unsure of myself I am sure now that I want to commit to her, if she also wants that, and I said so.
Leaving open the possibility of an expat life -- something I don't even really want anyway, with or without C -- is not worth the cost if the cost is being without her. The itch is still there to be scratched, I have to go for a little while, but I want that scratch to be temporary if it means we can be together. It sucks a great deal that I'm only realizing this now, only telling her this now, and she pointed out how much better it would have been to say those things a year ago. But my brain and heart took their own time, and that time was long. I hope not too long. In any case at least now we've talked about it and she knows how I feel and can take some time to think about it, and maybe I can breathe a little. The sadness has been suffocating.
Now I've got to rally, get dressed, and go to dinner. I hope the music isn't too earsplitting, the last place DJ took us out to was unpleasantly loud.
Now it's about 5:15 PM and I'm going to head to the gym to get a sweat up, take up some time, and wake myself up for dinner at 7. Would prefer to stay in tonight but DJ was insistent and it's rude to turn down such friendly hospitality. Hoping to at least be back at the hotel by 9.
Later:
Over the past couple of weeks I have missed C desperately, felt more strongly the heartache (such a physically apt word) and longing and regret and worry that I've felt since the day after Memorial Day. The intensity of that feeling is strange to me: I am not used to being unguarded, to feeling my emotional defenses being stretched thin enough to see through. But here I am, feeling just that. And also feeling that losing her is a terrible blow, an even more painful one now than when it surprised me (my willful blindness, not her sneak attack) in May.
She and I talked just now and I unloaded all that on her: the heartache; my regret at holding back from her, which I always did a little bit; my immaturity as represented in my inability to bring up concerns about our relationship with her, waiting instead for her to be the adult and bring them up herself; my desire to be intimate with her in a way that I couldn't or just plain didn't before. She was taken aback, I think, and did not know how to respond. I'm not sure what I expected, or whether I really expected anything. She said the same things she said in May, which makes sense as she is thoughtful and resolute. The difference now is that rather than being unsure of myself I am sure now that I want to commit to her, if she also wants that, and I said so.
Leaving open the possibility of an expat life -- something I don't even really want anyway, with or without C -- is not worth the cost if the cost is being without her. The itch is still there to be scratched, I have to go for a little while, but I want that scratch to be temporary if it means we can be together. It sucks a great deal that I'm only realizing this now, only telling her this now, and she pointed out how much better it would have been to say those things a year ago. But my brain and heart took their own time, and that time was long. I hope not too long. In any case at least now we've talked about it and she knows how I feel and can take some time to think about it, and maybe I can breathe a little. The sadness has been suffocating.
Now I've got to rally, get dressed, and go to dinner. I hope the music isn't too earsplitting, the last place DJ took us out to was unpleasantly loud.
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